Running from death

Much has happened since my last posting.  Last Thursday my brother called me and asked to come over.  The doctors did not think there was much time left with his wife.  She was battling cancer of various kinds for three years.   This time it reached the fluid in her brain and spine.
    My wife and three young kids went over there that evening to spread our love and say goodbyes.  The stress and emotion were insurmountable so after I went for a 10+ mile night run.  I don't like running at night, but this was not that bad. Maybe I could get use to it.  I did notice my pace was slower but I wasn't worried about that.
     Friday was a very large amount stress at work and add to that I was sick.  Saturday I planned on doing 10k.  When my wife returned home from her overnight I took off out the door.  I ended up setting a PR for my 10k.  I always knew I could break 50 minutes and never had the chance.
     Breakfast on Sunday morning was followed by a phone call by my brother.  It was the call we all knew was coming but still didn't want to hear.  Her battle with cancer was over at 29 years old.

    We went to church that morning but I wanted out of there.  I wanted to do the only thing I think I do well, run.  I wanted to run 30 miles because she never got to see 30.  I was going to do 30 laps of the mile course from my house.  I wanted to stay close so that I would never be too far away so I could help my family if need be.  After the first slow lap I didn't have it in me.  I felt an urge to call my brother.  After one mile I came in and called him.  I kissed my family and went to his house.  We did a lot of talking and even took a mile hike in the local woods.

     Monday I went to work for an hour, and left.  That afternoon I ran a mile at moderate pace.  It was great to move but I was stuck between moving to feel normal and moving not being normal.
     Tuesday I ran one mile after work before some friends of the kids were coming over.  
    Wednesday.  Nothing.
   Thursday.  The day of the funeral I tried to run in the woods.  I intended to run 13 miles.  I thought time in the woods would do me good.  Since that is a place I feel comfortable and at peace when I run.  That day there was no peace.  I could barely run.  I was hiking a lot of steps.  Somewhere after a mile I gave up.  When I got to the Ice Age trail I would run that back to the car.  I sat down at the bottom of a massive set of stairs and looked up lost.  I searched left and right, even forward, but couldn't tell what I should do.  So I stared into the run, turned around, gave up and ran home.  3.1 miles is all I had in me, if that.  The last half mile I ran barefoot.  I was searching for some connection and excitement, anything for feeling.


   Shortly I am leaving to accompany my brother at the burial.  I don't know who else will be there.  I am sure I will run a mile today....till next run.
Kelly will be greatly missed.